Are you like me? Wait. Maybe don’t answer that. Let’s try a different tack. 

Let me ask you if you, too,  are exasperated and exhausted by  reading laundry list after laundry list of what “successful” people do to become that way? Are you tired, too, of hearing about their certain and specific traits or techniques that, if applied, would make the rest of us bums successful, too? Lather, rinse and repeat?

Frankly, I don’t know who I want to punch in the neck more–the authors of these self-esteem busting screeds, or me, for reading this crap and thereby encouraging them via my stupid clicks.

So, in honor of reading the absolute last one of these trash posts that I will ever read (believe me on this, I already excised any list that says, “Number 4 will surprise you!” so this is easy), I’m  sharing my version. And, yes, I’m prepared for you to try and punch me in the throat, since that only seems fair.

Fast Company published a list of Twelve Habits of the Most Productive People. It’s the one that sent me over the edge. I’m re-writing the how-to-accomplish in the realest way I know. This is for those of us who are NOT the most productive, no matter how many listicles we read. Oh, and by the way, for you smarty pants productivity freaks, I have a set of choice words for you–unless you were just born that way and don’t really try. In those cases, no flies on you.

My take on the last list of productivity “hacks” we’ll never need.

So what do productive people do?

1. Fast Company says: They [in which there is an equations where they = productive people] focus on what matters. Productive people focus on what matters.
   DocThink Says: For example, don’t read bullshit posts with lists about productivity. They don’t matter.
2. FC list says: They [productive people] know the difference between urgent and important.
   Doc says: Urgent is someone else’s emergency that is bogarting on your important binge watch of Master of None. The important thing is will Dev’s mom ever learn her marks.
3. FC: They plan their days.
   Doc: Like wake up, drink coffee, do stuff throughout the day, eat, brush your teeth, go to bed. This pretty much works for me everyday. I don’t even need to check the list anymore.
4. FC: They know where to find what they need when they need it.
   Doc: Actually, I’d argue that you’re more productive if you just learn to do without. Except coffee. But I know where that is. Always.
5. FC: They have set routines.
   Doc: Now really. This list is getting redundant. See #3 above.
6. FC: They salvage wasted time.
   Doc: Ten minutes before your next meeting? Don’t waste time. Instead start something that makes you late to the next meeting. Waste the other folks’ in the meeting time instead.
7. FC: They only attend meetings with a purpose.
   Doc: That would be happy hour. Can we start at 4 p.m.?
8. FC: They do the things they don’t want to do.
   Doc: This one is about procrastinating. I’ll get back to it later
9. FC: They aren’t perfectionists.
   Doc: That’s easy for me. I don’t believe in perfection.
10. FC: They leave gaps in their schedule.
    Doc: I call my gap Day Drinking. Now that the weather is good, we can do it outside. Reference to #7 above.
11. FC: They multi-task wisely.
    Doc: Like resetting the Netflix password while popping corn and having your SO get you a drink. Seriously, 3 things at once. Is there a Season 2 coming for Master of None?
12. FC: They quit strategically.
    Doc: Like now. Done. #dropsmic